79 Turning points

Today my blog is going to shift a bit to my health.  "Today I decide to be healthy."

I've got my job starting in a month, and I need to get physically prepared for it.  I know I'm @ 100 pounds over-weight, maybe less, as my weight in college was 170.  I'm 260 this morning.

Yesterday I was thinking about the hymn, "I'll cast my burdens at his feet, and bear a song away." And I thought about that some more, and gave a silent prayer, asking if I could do that, and I got the answer back, a very small, still small voice, that I could.

So I'm going to start with giving 50 pounds to the Lord in this month and during my time at Park and Rec. 30 weeks.  That's a healthy loss of almost 2 pounds a week on average.

I've been exercising, but not steadily.  And I've made some half-hearted attempts at portion control.

Today I need to do better, and everyday. Without the extra weight, I'd be able to buy clothes, and I know I'd feel better and look more employable to others.  I saw one of the moms at Pine Ridge walking in front of me, and I hoped I didn't look like that in the back, and I felt sorry for her.

This morning I took a one-mile walk with the dog down to the river and back, and was pleased that I was able to do the slope without getting winded until about the end, and still have energy when I got home.

I bought over 2 lbs. of broccoli last night, and ate over a pound for dinner with a salmon patty.  No potatoes or bread.

And wealth-wise, I'm thinking about Tabatha Brown's Fashions (no bolts of fabric were cut) sewing.  There was a black curtain with flowers I saw at Goodwill--it would make a beautiful jacket. But the thought of buying it gives me a guilt feeling--that's $8 I could spend on my children or on bills.
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I've been toying with sewing ideas, and one of my fantasies was a business named "Tabitha Brown Fashions," after the Mother of Oregon, a woman named Tabitha Brown, who came out west on one of the worst wagon trains ever assembled, probably second to the Donner Party for its bad luck.  After making it to The Valley, at age 66, destitute but for her family, she found a coin worth 61/2 cents--a picayune--in the finger of a glove, and used it to buy a sewing needle, traded some fabric for buck skin, and made gloves to sell, and that was the start of her fortune. She ended up founding an orphanage, prospered, founded an orphanage (now Pacific University), and died wealthy and well-loved.

What better name to bless the business?

And then I googled the name and found that Tabitha Brown is already in existence as a fashion planner in Tennessee, on Facebook (Australia), a murdered woman in South Carolina, a dead one in Missouri, and a blogger/illustrator on Esty who has her studio named "The Pairabirds".

There's a small business thing at the Library on Tuesdays. I can always check out there using the name there.

74 I need to focus

I spent time writing, housework, shopping, and visiting Helen. Her memory is pretty much shot, and she no longer remembers that I go to the same church she does. She just remembers that she's glad to see me, and I'm glad for that. 

I am fasting, as tomorrow is Fast Sunday, yet I don't know what to fast for, what personal need is the most pressing.  I suppose it is to use my time better, to have a way to see Sarah's graduation, now that gas is almost $4 a gallon.

I did get my three job applications for the week done.

Day 41 Tonight I went to an event

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I didn't get much sleep last night.  I snore, and that keeps my husband awake who then keeps me awake, and finally I went down and tried to sleep on the futon couch, and had a cat keeping me awake.  I tried putting it outside, but the other one came in, so I was exchanging one for the other.

I went to the school and shelved books for a short while, and got a few groceries, cleaned up the kitchen a bit--we're expecting company tomorrow afternoon. My husband had work today.

I paid $100 on the hospital bill, on-line, using my unemployment card. I didn't get a confirmation number, but then, it didn't come off the card, either. The morgage company sent a letter, saying that they hadn't received last month's payment.  That's still being covered by OSHI, as far as I know.  We've been turning in the paperwork.

The library had it's "Novel" event tonight, and I went to it.  Wealthy people go to events all the time, especially cultural ones, where there's food and drink.  The were little tiny slider sandwiches, chopped up fruit, some cheese (I took a chunk of brie), and stuffed mushrooms.  While I sitting on a chair, eating, one of the library staff came by.  She'd been on the interview committee the one and only time I'd been interviewed for a library job, and it was she who met with me afterwards at my request and informed me that I didn't come across as a "go-getter." 

I complimented her on the party, and she complimented me on the color of tee-shirt I was wearing.  I told her that she always looks stunning and the conversation went into flattery.  So now she'll probably pitch my application.

Everybody in Bend dresses out of their closet, which is to say that I wasn't dressed any worse than anyone else, except people who have my type of skin on their necks and the same amount of flab on my arms cover them up.  People wore blue jeans of different vintages, all worn, and very few women wore nice dresses.  One young woman wore a dressy outfit of different shades of silver and grey, including a scarf shawl that had shining silver threads running through it, and carried a silver pocketbook.  A child, probably about nine years old, wore a purple fedora and carried a classical Madi Gras clown mask, which he held in his hands and would hold up to his face as if to hide behind it.  (I guess he was a boy.)

I met a couple of people there, one I stood in line with,  Toni, who is involved with the Quiltworks, and a couple whose names I've seen around town--Blankenship.  They were now retired, and he wanted to sit while his wife went to the front to see what the book would be.  Afterwards, I met a woman who lives in my neighborhood and is also in the neighborhood association.

The book?  Rules of Civility.  The follow-up events will start in April, which gives most people time to read a copy before then.

It was very nice, to be in the library, in the evening, surrounded by so many people and so much cheerful energy.  It was very nice to return home, too.  My husband is still at work, and I still have more to do to get ready for tomorrow.

Today I decide to be wealthy.




Book of Mormon lesson:  Last night.  I was reading about the wars, the sons of Helaman, and thought about how to get out of my financial mess.  There was one group of soldiers who had gone off to 7escort prisoners, who returned in the nick of time to help turn the tide of a battle.  Alma 57:17.  Things didn't happen the way that they'd planned, but things turned out fine.  I hope that things will turn out fine for me too.

Day 35, re. "The 5 Lessons...for Women" book

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I finished "The 5 Lessons a Millionaire Taught Me for Women," a few days ago.  In fact, I read it for the first time a year ago.  It's time to return it to the library.  But first, a book review.

The five mistakes women frequently make when it comes to money, include:
Unenlightened beliefs about money
Undervaluing their assets
"Burnt toast syndrome"
Investment paralysis
Over trusting

Guilty, guilty, whoa, guilty, guilty.

Whoa on the burnt toast syndrome(page 107)  Hey, I take the burnt toast because 1) I can eat it easily, as my spouse thinks he's going to get cancer from it, and the girls don't want the mess.  Furthermore, the girls are the ones who are going to be picking out (and unfortunately, probably paying for) my nursing home.

I did, however, have them do their own laundry, starting with the second grade, something which they didn't think was a good idea until sometime after they were in college.  But financially, there isn't any money for them to sponge off of me.  And they know it.

As for the unenlightened beliefs about money, I wasn't taught much about money, except that it's one of the things my parents fought over, and I'd be upstairs, listening to them argue and wonder what life would be like in an orphanage. Sometime afterwards, my parents were able to put 20% down on one of the largest houses in Lakeview, complete with three acres and it's own well, and get it paid off in 10 years.  All I knew was, "can't afford it, can't afford it, can't afford it," and never how it could be afforded.  I had my own part-time jobs later, but saving the money didn't work.  I saved up for college, and all I had at the end of my junior year was less than $85, and that bank account was started when I was in grade school.  I bought own clothes at times, although my mom would buy my fabric if I sewed my own.  That was back when it was cheaper to sew.  When I was in college, I worked summers for my room and board, as I had a tuition plus scholarship, thanks to a long dead philanthropist.  Basically, there was no belief about money, except I was powerless.

As for the "I'm not worthy" point, I don't think he got it, about how so many times the boys got an allowance, and girls didn't.  That's how it was at my cousins' house.  (I have one brother, who is way younger than I, and he didn't get an allowance at the time either.)  I sure didn't any allowance, and I didn't earn any money, other than the once-in-a-blue-moon baby-sitting job at a neighbors, where I had to immediately put the money into the savings account at the bank. I didn't get any money from my parents if I wasn't worthy, like if I'd fought with my sister earlier in the day, or whatever other reason my parents found.  I didn't get any money if my room was clean, because it's supposed to be clean, and if I asked for money, the answer would be something like, "you don't need to get that,"  but if I asked for some money to get something, and my room wasn't clean, then that was a reason not to give me any money. There was always a reason not to give out any money, but no reason to give any, and worse, no way for me to earn it.

One item I despised in the book was the marshmallow experiment (page 88), where a four year old had a marshmallow put in front of the kid, and the experimenter told the kid that if he/she didn't eat the marshmallow, and it was still there when the experimenter came back, then there would be two marshmallows.  So some of the kids didn't eat the marshmallows, and they grew up to be smarter, richer and Mary Sue and Gary Stus, because they could delay gratification.  Hey, guess what, Sherlock:  Some kids ate the marshmallows because they were already taught that adults lie.  I know that was true in my family.  Eat the marshmallow if you want to, but you're going to get a smack on your head.  And even if you left it alone, there's not going to be a second one.  Better not to want the marshmallow at all, so you don't get a smack if you take it, and you don't get disappointed when there isn't the second one.

As for undervaluing my abilities--I would have ideas and time and time again they would get shot down.  When I was a kid, I'd think of a song, and go to the piano to try to write it out, and get chewed out for "making noise." It seemed that time and time again, "it's stupid," "a waste of time," etc.  How do people get past that, and do something? Yes, writing fan fiction didn't make me any money, and it probably caused more problems than it solved, but I enjoyed it, and when I did it, I got more ideas for other things, and now I quit and made some people satisfied that I quit, but now I don't have any ideas at all.  Like when I gave up trying to write music--I used to create symphonies in my head, and now I just want something from youtube to go into it.

Investment paralysis.  I've blown it there so bad, being afraid of making a mistake, of having someone, anyone, mad at me.  I should have pulled my daughter's account when I felt that the stock exchange guy didn't respect me, and put the whole thing into CDs on my own.  I shouldn't have worried about what my cousin would think when she handed the whole thing over to me.  I spent too much time worried about what others would think if I stood up and made some noise.  But then, I'm three years old again, having done something that a three year old would do in a grocery store, and my parents are telling me, "You see them?  They're looking at you.  They're laughing at you," as they point to the meat cutters who are standing behind the counter, watching people walk by, laughing at who knows what joke.

There isn't any job right now, and there isn't anything to invest.  We're living off of the money my mother-in-law gave us, and we've got medical bills up the wazoo.   I went to college.  Got two bachelor degrees. But now, except for shipping my own kids off to college, I'm wondering what good it's going me now, in providing for my life now and in my future.  I'm stuck at the Brad Lemley adage (paraphrased):  "An education is directly proportional to the enjoyment one has in watching the sunrise."  (It was the moral to a story Brad wrote of all these college graduates--bachelors, masters, doctorates, who, after college, couldn't find any work other than the backbreaking work of tree planting, and how they still had great attitudes as they discussed the sun rising over their labors.  Decades since he wrote the story, tree planting is no longer available to Oregon citizens:  the companies claimed that there weren't any people qualified to do it, and so imported laborers from other countries, using government funding to do so.)

I would like to be in the position of the paragraph on page 13:  In order to be truly happy, we must live balanced lives.  To be in great fiscal health is very much like being in great physical health: it allows you to do more and be more, and it permits you to live your life free of constant pain and bondage.

I'm tired.  It's draining going back into the past, and hearing and seeing stuff all over again.  I hope my kids do way better than I have.  I'm glad they've turned out good.

I'm going to bed.  Tomorrow is Sunday.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 12

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I went to the website for State of Oregon: Unemployment, and read:

 Filing Deadline for Emergency Unemployment Compensation Extended

 On Friday, December 23, 2011, the President signed a bill extending the Emergency Unemployment Compensation (EUC) extension program. The bill does not add additional funds, or tiers, to the EUC program; it extends the filing dates in which an individual can apply for EUC, or move on to the next tier.

The extension allows individuals to file a new EUC claim, or to establish a new tier of benefits, through the week ending March 3rd, 2012.


I went to check my unemployment claim:

How much time and money do I have left in my claim?
Your weekly benefit amount is:	$	228	Program: EUC
Your remaining balance is:	$	245
The above balance shows the Federal Emergency Unemployment Compensation benefits potentially payable on your claim.
Your claim expired on 07/03/2010
Extensions are additional benefits payable only when you do not qualify for regular unemployment insurance benefits in this state, or in any other state or Canada. If you do qualify, you will be required to file a new claim, even if you have a balance remaining on your extension. File a new claim. There are currently four tiers to the EUC extension program. If you qualify for an additional tier of EUC, it will be automatically added to your claim. The last week payable under the EUC program is the week ending June 9, 2012. Should you use up all EUC benefits, contact your UI Center to determine your eligibility for additional benefits. I have no idea what tier I'm on.  I'm glad that I had work, so I know I'm getting a paycheck in January. I'm feeling dread and panic as I reread this.  I'm grateful I've had work most of this year,  that I've had time to go to my daughter's graduation and have holidays with them, and I hope that next year, 2012, "unemployment" will be a line on my regular paystubs, somewhere below FICA.   Today I decide to be wealthy.