sunday, 4.9

We sang, "If You Could Hie to Kolob" for the closing song in Relief Society.  I was very grateful for it, as I will not be in RS for another 5.5 months.

3rd day - a gift freely given

I got through my restrooms quickly.  The weather was wet and rainy, so very few people were out and about.  I mopped all the floors, and folded up the bar towels that we use to clean with.

An old transient was at the Drake Park one, with a shopping basket full of stuff and bottles.  He told me that he had had a very successful haul of bottles, and left me two quarters and a hair band on my windshield as a gift, as, he said, he knew that we girls weren't getting equal work for equal pay.

Skyline was shut all winter, with some maintence work.  I gave it a good wipe-down.

2nd day of seasonal employment

I got my uniform tee-shirts, uniform hoodie zip-up sweatshirt, baseball cap and safety glasses.  I watch the rest of the five training videos, and went on the rounds again with my supervisor.

I'm a bit concerned for her.  I sense that there's a sadness. 

Karen will be back on Thursday, so I'll do the routes myself tomorrow.

I went to Freddie's and showed off my uniform. 

Five months and 19 days to go, or 172 days left for the season.

I also got some more bills today.  My husband is preparing the bill for one of his customers, whose remodel was recently finished.  We are hoping he will pay soon.

Tuesday

The company that has the hospital's account called this morning.  I hadn't made my $50 payment for the month, but were willing to take the $30, as I explained that I needed to buy shoes for the job starting in April, and that I would be able to make it up in May. 

Last night, my husband and I did our family home evening project of going over to Jeanette's house, to see if there was any service work we could do, visit her for Home Teaching, and to deliver the RS announcements.  Jeannette was headed over to her friend's Jan's home--her oldest son died.  (Not a surprise, as he'd been ill for years.)  I volunteered to take over a veggie tray in the morning.

We stopped at Albertson's and got sliced ham on sale, and a Redbox movie, "Cowboys and Aliens," and I made hard boiled eggs and peeled carrots and made a celery and carrots tray.  The movie was awful, and I ended up going to bed way past midnight.

This morning  I shelled the eggs, found a large plastic tray, and put out the ham and sliced cheese and the eggs on it, and took them and the carrots and celery and a box of nice crackers to Jan's house, arriving just in time, as she and her other son had just arrived back from the mortuary, as they delivered the clothes for her oldest son, and her grandchildren were expected at any minute.

I felt blessed to know that I had brought what was needed, at the right time.

79 Turning points

Today my blog is going to shift a bit to my health.  "Today I decide to be healthy."

I've got my job starting in a month, and I need to get physically prepared for it.  I know I'm @ 100 pounds over-weight, maybe less, as my weight in college was 170.  I'm 260 this morning.

Yesterday I was thinking about the hymn, "I'll cast my burdens at his feet, and bear a song away." And I thought about that some more, and gave a silent prayer, asking if I could do that, and I got the answer back, a very small, still small voice, that I could.

So I'm going to start with giving 50 pounds to the Lord in this month and during my time at Park and Rec. 30 weeks.  That's a healthy loss of almost 2 pounds a week on average.

I've been exercising, but not steadily.  And I've made some half-hearted attempts at portion control.

Today I need to do better, and everyday. Without the extra weight, I'd be able to buy clothes, and I know I'd feel better and look more employable to others.  I saw one of the moms at Pine Ridge walking in front of me, and I hoped I didn't look like that in the back, and I felt sorry for her.

This morning I took a one-mile walk with the dog down to the river and back, and was pleased that I was able to do the slope without getting winded until about the end, and still have energy when I got home.

I bought over 2 lbs. of broccoli last night, and ate over a pound for dinner with a salmon patty.  No potatoes or bread.

And wealth-wise, I'm thinking about Tabatha Brown's Fashions (no bolts of fabric were cut) sewing.  There was a black curtain with flowers I saw at Goodwill--it would make a beautiful jacket. But the thought of buying it gives me a guilt feeling--that's $8 I could spend on my children or on bills.
---------
I've been toying with sewing ideas, and one of my fantasies was a business named "Tabitha Brown Fashions," after the Mother of Oregon, a woman named Tabitha Brown, who came out west on one of the worst wagon trains ever assembled, probably second to the Donner Party for its bad luck.  After making it to The Valley, at age 66, destitute but for her family, she found a coin worth 61/2 cents--a picayune--in the finger of a glove, and used it to buy a sewing needle, traded some fabric for buck skin, and made gloves to sell, and that was the start of her fortune. She ended up founding an orphanage, prospered, founded an orphanage (now Pacific University), and died wealthy and well-loved.

What better name to bless the business?

And then I googled the name and found that Tabitha Brown is already in existence as a fashion planner in Tennessee, on Facebook (Australia), a murdered woman in South Carolina, a dead one in Missouri, and a blogger/illustrator on Esty who has her studio named "The Pairabirds".

There's a small business thing at the Library on Tuesdays. I can always check out there using the name there.

78

I got called to work at Pine Ridge today, another 3.75 hours on the time sheet, and children happy to see me.

When I got home, my husband told me that Park and Rec. had called--I start work April 9.

77

I called June and offered to take her to the library, which she accepted. 
I got the OHSI paper delivered to NeighborImpact, and we shopped at the new DollarTree, and had lunch at Reye's Mexican restaurant. She also gave me $20 for gas, which I gratefully accepted.

I mended some clothes and returned them to her, and deposited Elizabeth's paychecks that had arrived in the mail today.

I keep thinking about the cloth/curtain that I saw at Goodwill, and imagining it on a very thin me.
I've eaten so many calories today, it's just awful. 

76

My unemployment came through again.  A little more breathing time there.  No wonder welfare was called "relief."
I got a card mailed off to my youngest sister for her birthday.
I keep eating.
I went to work at R.E. Jewell Elementary school for two hours today.
Stopped by Sist. B. and dropped off a copy of a letter from Yvonne's mission blog, which she greatly enjoyed.
My husband went to the scout meeting.  I did 20 stair laps, my yoga routine, and some free weights.

75 Money to pay bills

My husband had enough work to pay his business creditors and to pay our bills and still have some in reserve!

I read today about the poorhouses in England, the whys and the wherefores.  I am so grateful to live in this day and age.

I paid the tithing and fast offerings yesterday.  My husband and I give a ride to a man who lives in a trailer park, and was going to be evicted if he didn't pay the rent.  After church, he told my husband that the church is helping him to stay another month.  My husband gave him $10 for the laundry machine, and the woman who we also gave a ride home offered to help him with his laundry, and would send her husband to help him get to her house.  I hope things improve for him.

74 I need to focus

I spent time writing, housework, shopping, and visiting Helen. Her memory is pretty much shot, and she no longer remembers that I go to the same church she does. She just remembers that she's glad to see me, and I'm glad for that. 

I am fasting, as tomorrow is Fast Sunday, yet I don't know what to fast for, what personal need is the most pressing.  I suppose it is to use my time better, to have a way to see Sarah's graduation, now that gas is almost $4 a gallon.

I did get my three job applications for the week done.

73 Health and attitude

I've restarted my yoga exercises. They're rather simple, and a very short list and very easy to do, and focused on my back and legs, which is why it's always a shock when I feel the results.  It feels like the cords behind my knees have been cut, as if they had been taut.  My back feels straighter, and I walk forward easier, more like a dancer instead of slightly lunging from side to side.

One of my husband's customer's just called, and though I told him that Doug was at a job site, he went ahead and started giving me a list of what he needed done.  Instead of writing everything down and assuring him that he would call him, back, I cut him off and offered him my husband's cell phone number instead.  Now he's going to call Doug as his job, and distract him.  Or, perhaps Doug was just packing up and the call is at a good time.

72 Larry King's story

I'm still reading it. There's a discussion of wealth, and what it means to people in its pages.

We have money to pay our insurances, and to buy gas and food. Tithing, too!

71 Writing

I got a newsletter article written, ahead of time.  I got some housework done, found a job to apply to, for light manufacturing, temporary job; I talked to Sarah today. 

I worked on Sister Boyce's book a little, research, mainly.

It snowed almost three inches last night.  Tomorrow the roads will be dried, and I will do many things then.

70 Sabbath rest

The bishop gave a talk about ward conference, which I felt was directed at another person in the ward and me.

Does the gospel of Jesus Christ provide a car to someone who needs it?  A job for a long-time job hunter?

He recounted the people who had lived and who had died in the ward in the past year, who had surgeries and illness, and the death of his own mother and both grandmothers in an 18 month period when he was a boy.  He discussed blessings, of  James 5:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
the priesthood authority, the anointing, the sealing of the anointing, the prayer, the will of the Lord.
He told of peace and comfort, and there there may not be the car or the job, but there will be the refuge from despair.

I remember him and other priesthood authorities, promising that this too, shall pass.

My husband is getting his paperwork done, and there looks like there will be enough to pay the bills this month.

I talked to my daughter about my hopes in going to her college graduation.  She hadn't planned on me being there, as she knows I need the work and the income,and that it would cost so much. My mom has offered to pay my way. My husband thinks I should go.  I feel that I should stay.

69 Death came for Delmer

My husband got the news that Delmer (age 92) died on Valentine's Day, his wedding anniversary.  His wife died a few years ago, after a long illness.

Ever since I knew them, they were flat broke it seemed. They'd sold their house in California and moved to Oregon to get their boys away from the drugs there, like so many other families. And like so many other families, it didn't stop the drugs.  I remember how sour Delmer was, commenting on the house that they'd owned selling for a quarter of a million ten years later.

They'd also bought out the relatives' shares on a piece of property in Medford, where they were always going to build a house. He'd looked forward to that, but I don't think that they had a dime to do any building.

They always seemed to be in some financial scheme that didn't work out, the last one being apartment managers in the Portland area.  They got the job, with promises of benefits and retirement and long-term employment, and after Delmer did all the repairs and Beverly got the place filled with quiet, paying tenants, the owners decided they could take it from here, thank you very much, and fired them. After that, they lived in a number of smaller and smaller places, including one that was just a few miles from the Portland temple, but they couldn't go, as they had no money for gas.  They ended up living with their daughters, and after Beverly died, Delmer went into assisted living, as his income from veteran's and social security bumped the household income too high for the place his oldest daughter was living at.

I don't want to end up in the same financial boats that they and their girls were in. But here I am.

On another note, my daughter who is graduating from college says it's okay with her if I don't go, as she knows I need the paycheck, and I have no money to go down there. Her sisters will be there to watch her get her diploma.

And on another note, the hot water heater is acting screwy, and the water seems to be getting hotter and hotter when we take showers or wash our hands. Fortunately, we have another hot water heater for the kitchen and another bathroom.

68 Views outside myself

While at Fred's I saw Gina.  Her husband worked at a truck stop in LaPine. When the owner sold it, the new owner said he'd keep everyone on.  He did, for a few weeks, and then he fired everyone who made more than minimum wage.  So her husband is on unemployment now.

I saw Angie, and she told me about how it was at Touchmark, and that the girl that they hired didn't pass the drug test, and that they still haven't hired anyone, and that there is a flu epidemic going on.  We discussed our husbands' businesses, and she said that the only way to keep them from making crazy decisions is to throw their clothes out on the front sidewalk. Basically, she said, there was nothing I could have done that would have made any difference.

I gave her one of my cards.  If there's something for an electrician that comes up with their business (he's a finish carpenter), she'll give a call.

67 School day review

I went to work at the school again.  I was doing testing, got to see the Warm Springs display, and one of the tribal elders came and gave a talk, and the Rotary gave a presentation and flags to the first graders, and it was a Battle of the Books reading competition final in the gym, with almost the whole school attending. While I was on the playground, doing recess duty, one of the kids from the day before came over to keep me company. She enjoyed my reading "The Cremation of Dan McGee" yesterday. (I'd told the kids that if they kept to the task, there'd be reading time at the end.)

I helped out with a project in the office and thought about the teaching certificated I didn't get, and the jobs I didn't go for, and knew that I will miss working at the school, once I find/get a "real" job.

I'm home now, and I need to mail off stuff to the girls.  I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow, but I hope that my demons won't be tormenting me.

I called Kat in the morning to let her know I had applied at Park and Rec, and she had my application in hand, and news that there weren't many applying for custodian, which she was told, is what happens when it's lumped in with the general summer work application. So maybe I will be hired back there.

66 posts

I'm going to stop typing "Today I decide to be wealthy." The sixty days are past, and I'll continue saying it, but not here.

My oldest daughter has a job! The temp agency she was using wasn't panning out, so she went to the competition and got a part time job, for more than $10 an hour, in the same building as her youngest sister works in, and it will be for more than a month!

Unfortunately, my middle daughter isn't doing so well, and won't even try for an internship.  Her sisters are worried for her, her attitude is as bad as it's ever been, and she won't go for help.

I had work today at the elementary school, and have some tomorrow, too.

65

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Today I used up the last of my first unemployment claim, buying food, and I paid a bill for the emergency room physicians, $10.  $637 left to go on that one.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

64

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I need to lose weight. 

Today I decide to be wealthy.

63 Busy, busy!

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Today I got my cover letter, application, and resume sent in to Bend Park and Recreation.  I also delivered cookies to Karen, who was a Riverbend Park.  and I took a one mile walk with the dog down Baker Road and went to a Star Trek theme party. And I worked on my Isaiah lesson for Sunday School tomorrow.

A pretty good and busy day.

 Today I decide to be wealthy.

62 I fight with demons

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I had bad depression today, and had trouble focusing.  I finally did get some housework done.  That was about it. My husband had work. I didn't even look at job listings.  I thought about the job where I'd be getting paid "up to $150" a day for changing oil in scent bottles in town, and it just seems too good to be true.  And if it's that wonderful, why isn't the owner doing it, or finding someone to do the job?

I need to get the Park and Rec application done and emailed.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

61 A day of work and a recipe for molasses cookies

Today I decide to be wealthy.

The sixty days are up, but I'll go on.


Today was busy.

I got started on Park and Recreation application.

I baked up the cookie dough I'd made last night, and delivered three dozen cookies to a friend to take in to the blood drive, and I went to the school, taking 2 two dozen cookies there.  I told the staff I'd been there so often, I figured it was my turn to contribute.  They were happy to have them, as was one of the custodians, who declared them to be delicious. (Cookie recipe is below.)

I worked at the school from 11:15 to 3:00.  It was uneventful, which was very nice, and afterwards I went to the blood drive and donated blood, and over heard more praise for my cookies. (My blood pressure was 150/98.  Not good.)

I went to the doctor's office, and saw Dr. K and Roxie, his nurse, both who've been with us since after my oldst was born.  I hadn't been there for a while, and when I was, I hadn't seen either of them.  Roxie and I visited for a bit, and then I went shopping at a couple of thrift stores, and didn't buy the velour shirt. Four dollars is four dollars. I may go back and get it tomorrow.

Home, where my husband fixed dinner, and then to a neighborhood association meeting, where there were three board members and only four members. I took the minutes.  Got a lot of ideas for newsletter articles.

I should just mark out an hour a day and write. Thank you letters, newsletters, articles, the books.  Nothing but production.

And an hour for job hunting/applications.

And an hour for housework, so I can find my way around and get ready for the next major employment adventure. (Speaking of which, I need to talk to Tina about the air freshener thing, explain why I'm not going to pursue it.)

And make sure I get to bed at a decent hour.  Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.  ~ Benjamin Franklin.  

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Gingerbread molasses cookies. Oven at 370 F, makes 5 dozen cookies

1 cup shortening
1 cup sugar
1 cup molasses
1 egg
2 tablespoon vinegar
Combine
Add 5 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinammon
1 teaspoon cloves
Mix thoroughly
(I use a cookie scoop, that measures out about 1 even tablespoon at a time)
Roll ball of dough, about a tablespoon size, in a small bowl of granulated sugar, and place on ungreased cookie sheet, 2 inches apart, about 12 balls per sheet.
Press down to 1/2 height, using bottom of drinking glass.
Bake 8 minutes, or until tops are puffy and cracked. Allow to cool 6 minutes on cookie sheet, transfer to cooling rack.

Day 60 The challenge is met

Today I decide to be wealthy.

In the book, Evans' niece and her husband get their lives in order in 60 days, using the mantra, and are very pleased with themselves at this point.

Me?

Well, today I'm not panicking. He didn't make any promises of financial gain or such, just hope.

I don't know if the hope has more to do with the sunlight increasing each day, or if the national financial mess shows glimmers of hope, or that the election is coming up, and people are realizing that President Obama has been keeping his promises, and that the Republican contenders are imploding. I don't know if it's because there are more places to try, or knowing that there is the possibility of having a full-time job for six months coming up in April. Maybe hope has to do with my husband going to work almost every day, and that almost every week, I've had something that has earned us some money, and I still have unemployment, at $99 a week.

Maybe it has to do with that I didn't quit this blog before the 60 days were up.

While I was at Freddy's today, I talked to a long time employee, who said that the woman who was fired the same day I was, for the same thing, has reapplied a number of times, and has not been hired back either, even though she was non-union and would have started out at ground zero on the pay scale.  She said that things are bad at the Bend store, real bad. (I can reapply 60 days after I put in an application.)

So when this sixty days are past, I'll head up to Redmond, talk to a former supervisor there, and see about how successful my application may be there. It's nonunion, which means my retirement package will probably be completely dead, as Bend refuses to take non-management transfers from Redmond in the CCK department, and I haven't been picked up by the union Safeways here.

This afternoon, I stopped at Goodwill, and went to the linens in the back of the store, and imagined what clothes I could make from them.  I like to touch the textures and dream.  I thought about buying some clothes to practice alterations, and found a funny velour shirt, rich with dark colors and possibilities.  There was also a black umbrella, crying for art.  I looked at the yarns, and remembered a woman who wore beautiful sweaters, who told me she buys her yarns at Goodwill.

Maybe I should be creating stuff.  Learn to photograph and sell them in craft places, like Saturday market and on the internet. that would be lesson #3, Make money in the margins.  

Learn to use the internet.

Get the books done and sell them.

And quit hiding in my fears.

Today I decided to be wealthy.

59 A lull in the storm

Today I decided to be wealthy.

I went through my various unemployment debit cards and bank account and was a bit happier than I was before. (Lesson #2--Take responsibility for your money.)  My husband continues to get service calls, so it looks like this month we'll pull through.

I got two applications done, one handed in, and the other one proof-read. I also got a phone call to see if I'd be able to substitute again next week, for two days.

I should have had both done yesterday, and handed in then, just because sometimes, time is a factor in the decision to hire. I still have the Park and Rec one to do.

And I got the official brush off from the library; it came in my email this time. Save them the trouble of mailing out a card.

I looked on the internet about the air scent company; it looks like a good company, but one that I would expect the owner to save more money by doing the stuff himself.  I haven't called back--I don't trust something about it.  I need to talk to Tina (the one who recommended me) about it.

Today I decided to be wealthy.

Day 58 Panic in slow motion

Today I decide to be wealthy.

This is day 58. I was hoping by now to have a sense of a floor under me.  That I'd have a job, that debts would be reduced, that there would be some light at the end of the tunnel and that it wouldn't be another train heading toward me.)

I spent the day wringing my hands over job applications, and did not get any submitted.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

57 Take a deep breath

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Why do I want to be wealthy?  Or in this definition, why do I want money?

To pay my bills.  To be able to share.  To not worry where I will sleep in the future.  To be able to take care of my health.  To be able to have freedom to go to town without worry about the gas in the car.  To help my daughters if they need it. Sarah will, when she gets out of school.  Elizabeth will, if she doesn't find work soon.

I paid my tithing today.

I miss my daughters sitting with me.   The Holmes baby is having "routine" heart surgery tomorrow.  Brenda sat next to me in Relief Society, and I told her about my visit with her son.

I wanted the bishop to say something to me before I left the church building. I was considering asking for help again from the bishop's Storehouse.  I was sitting in the foyer, when he walked by.

"How are you? and how are the girls?" he asked (he was headed out to get something from his car.)

"The girls are fine," I said.

"And how are you," he said, ten feet away from me, and everyone listening.

I hesitated, and he smiled at me.

"Everything is going to turn out fine," he said, and then headed to get something from his car.

Tomorrow, I have a lot to do.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

56 Looking back, looking forward, looking to God

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Lesson #2 in the books is to "take ownership" of one's finances.

I realize that I am so deep in doo-doo financially.  I have good intentions, like making charts showing what bills need to be paid, and I do make them, and then misplace them. I intend to make phone calls, and then forget. I find one excuse after another not to follow through. I went through my check books to see how much I still had out, and how much was available for paying bills.  Tithing money was put into money orders yesterday, so that it wouldn't go through the checking account, so that I wouldn't mistake it as mine.  "Pay your tithing and a fast offering," Elder Golden said. "Many people in Africa are very poor, but they do it, and miracles happen."  I see myself as still being in this financial situation for the indefinite future, but really, if it were anything else, would I do any better?  I think a certain woman I know has been through three or four marriages, and now she's single again, and on disability.  Would I handle her challenges any better?

I have three major job applications that need (for my sake) to be turned in on Monday.  Deadline for one is the 12th, another is the 22nd.  The other one, I'll turn in Monday, when I go to town in the afternoon.  Today I worked on Ida's book, got some research materials, and I also combed the internet, looking for jobs to apply to.   One of the people I used to work for told me that it was just as well that I didn't get hired on at Touchmark, and explained why.

I noticed when I was driving down Third Street, that the dry cleaners has vacated its building. The laundromat is still there.  The real estate agency that was a couple of blocks away was also empty.  Grover's Pub, where one of my co-workers said had the best pizza in town, had its lights turned off.  Craigslist has more openings, but they are professional ones.  I suspect that people are still moving out of the area.

Monday I'll take these applications in, and go apply at motels as a motel maid, at the larger motels, and go to Labor Ready, which is a work-today, pay-today/job placement and Goodwill, which is also a job placement place.

I was at Fred Meyer, and saw two of my former coworkers and a young man who works there, who is the same age as my daughters, whom I used to teach in church.  I said hi to them, and they back as we walked past each other, and Shelly stopped to care about me, asking me how I was doing, and giving me her time, showing that she cares.  She could see that I was just figurative when I said that I was doing fine.  "Hang in there, she said, "that's all you can do sometimes."

I thought some about a talk in church a Sunday or so ago:

We people are first watch people, but God is a fourth watch God.  The speaker explained that the Hebrew day in the Bible was divided into night and day, with the day having twelve hours and night having four three-hour watches.  God will always answer our prayers, but in His time. We want our prayers answered now, but God sometimes wants us to learn something first, and sometimes what we want or need takes time to arrange, but they will be answered, even though the answer is not what we would have thought it would be.


I had my blessing last Sunday, and I was told that Heavenly Father is aware of my challenges.


Today I decide to be wealthy.

55 Service

Today I decide to be wealthy.

My job at the school got cancelled.  The woman I was going to substitute for called, and said her flight had been cancelled, and the following flight was booked solid, so she's not going to be able to leave for another week-end or so.

Which was just as well, as I was to bring up two large serving trays full of au gratin potatoes to a missionary luncheon, and I hadn't noticed the part about needing 4 1/2 quarts of boiling water, each.  I had to measure out and boil the water twice, one for each pan.  The potatoes were sliced and dried, and in two boxes, both had two dried sauce pouches, and all that was needed was a stick of butter, each, which was provided when Jackie dropped everything off at my house.  Then Jo called, and she had some jam that needed to be delivered, that she had planned to help at the luncheon, and those plans went out the window.  So the potatoes, that I had planned to have nice and hot at a bit before 11 a.m. didn't get to the church until a few minutes after 12.

I stayed and helped with the dishes, and visited with Jackie, and the others, and the missionaries sang a thank-you song to us.  I  thought about their moms, and was sad to think of one missionary who had to be sent home from his mission, what he'd missed.

Afterwards, I went to Elk Meadow Elementary School and shelved books for a while. Toni was glad to see me, as she had a full cart. I managed to get half of it shelved before it was time to leave.  One of the students had a J.R.R.Tolkien book that puzzled her, and I explained that it was a collection of his writings that he was working on when he died, and that there were bits and pieces of where the elves came from and stuff, all jumbled together.  Another wanted to know where the mystery books were, and I turned her back to Toni and continued to shelve books. Toni seemed pleased with my actions.

Afterwards, I called Jackie and offered her a ride to Worksource. She couldn't go this time. However, when I got there, I saw a sign-up list for counseling, and she was happy when I called her again, and offered to put her name and phone number on the list, so that the office could call her and set up an appointment time.

Interestingly enough, one of the places I had the job posting number for was Touchmark, the same company that said it could only do 30-35 hours a week (this one posted that it was 40 hours), and the same one that sent me a rejection letter two days ago. The job was posted today.  I didn't take the referral, and I explained why to the clerk.

One of the books I read recently was "Five People You Meet When You Get To Heaven," a gentle reminder that heaven has a different measure of success than what we experience or expect in this life.  I didn't make any money today, but at least I'll have some unemployment money next week. And I did well today.  And I will do more tomorrow.

I had some fortune cookies tonight, and one of the fortunes was this: Enjoy the fine goods life has to offer & friends with whom to share it.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

54 Today is Thursday

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I did stair laps today, to get my heart rate up.  I did some laundry.  I did dishes.  I looked at the computer. I got a notice back for NeighborImpact that my documents have been sent to the state for verification.  I wrote a newsletter article. I stayed inside the house, except when I went to put gas in the car.  I got a bill from the doctor's office, for going in to have my heart listened to, my blood pressure taken,  and to be sent to get my blood tested at another place, which still charged me money.

Money.  I have no idea how to pay all of my bills.  My husband has some work, but when will he be paid?  I have work, and I will be paid next month, while my unemployment takes a hit.  I don't want anymore taken out of the 401(k) account.

It's day 54. Six more days to go to the magical 60 that the book set out as a goal, that perhaps things would be different.

I'll probably continue this blog.

My depression seems to get worse each day. I am grateful for food to eat, for my bed that I sleep in, that I am still in my house, and have gas for my car.  I am trying not to imagine the future, but to stay here in the present.  My youngest daughter sent me a note through Facebook, telling me that she loves me and her father, my husband.  I played the keyboard today.  Tomorrow I have work for a few hours. I feel sorry for the people freezing in Afghanistan.  I feel bad for the people of Cambodia, not having their day in court.

I had made a "to do" list, and I did accomplish a couple of items on it.  Maybe tomorrow will be one of accomplishments.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

53 25 things I should have done...

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Got the verification papers into NeighborImpact!  (I still need to get the budget papers done and handed in.)

While I was going through box and box of papers, I found this.

25 Things I should'a, would'a, could'a while I was unemployed.

I. While I was employed
  A. Tried to expand my knowledge of Fred Meyer (jewelry, home, apparel, etc.)
  B.  Tried to expand my skills
       1.  Uscan
       2.  Front desk  BUT I was afraid I'd make a mistake and be fired as Carlene and Nick were (even though they were hired back)
       3.  Child's department.  (in-store babysitting)  I was qualified-didn't do it. Didn't think until now.
  C. Bought new clothes (needed them for job interviews later)  Needed every penny for the family
  D. Took care of my health
      1. Physical checkups (cost $100 a visit, even with insurance)
      2. Lost weight/exercise
  E.  Been more diligent in volunteering My being available and coming in whenever called got me up to Journeyman & got the max I could for my unemployment benefit





When I became unemployed-
1. I should have gotten a blessing.  I didn't until I'd been unemployed for 6 months
2. I was fired in July. I did work on exercise and walking the butte.
3. When September came, I should have started my school volunteer work
    1.  I had the idea to volunteer Tuesdays at High Desert Middle School--didn't  (gas costs money)
    2. I could have volunteered at Bend High Library or Elk Meadow or Pine Ridge or Jewell or all three media centers (gas costs money)
   3.  I should have thought about where I wanted work, and volunteered there. Like Park and Rec., COCC library. I could have increased my network and made a nicer resume.
________________

So I didn't even make it to 25 items.  Just as well.  I need to just work on getting a job this go-around. Although I do have work on Friday at Pine Ridge, and it looks like I'll be working on the budget thing tomorrow for NeighborImpact. And applying for work at Goodwill and something I saw on the WorkSource site.

(What is it, with all of these combined words?)

Oh, and Touchmark sent me my official word that I didn't get the job. And I'm still here.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

52 And another day

 Today I decide to be wealthy.

I woke up in the morning and thought about getting the paperwork all pulled together.  And then thought about how I didn't have a document 1099 from Sister Boyce, about my working for her. I'll have to find the records I have.

I found the last two bank statements I needed.  They were with the other ones, but behind a divider. I'd gotten up early and felt sleepy in mid-morning and dreamed that a couple of people I'd known at Fred Meyer were asking me to return. I know it has far more to do with my own loneliness than anything else.

One of my daughters called. She was excited about her grad school interview. She still doesn't have a job, but she may have a chance at being accepted in a master's program at a quiet university. It would be interesting it she got it--the third generation in that town! My mom got her bachelor's there, and I lived next to campus when I lived there while trying to make it on my own.  (I ended up going back to U. of Oregon. I should have stayed another year for my grandmother's sake and to grow up more.)

In the afternoon, I went to the school and assisted in taking care of a couple of kids that need one-to-one attention. One is a small girl with Down's Syndrome, who doesn't talk.  I thought about my own daughters, and how hard it would have been to take care of her, and wondered about the girl's parents.

I went to the copy shop to copy the papers, and make sure I had everything with our names and our case/loan number on the top, and then I got groceries and came home.

 Today I decide to be wealthy.

51 A new day

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I got called to work at Pine Ridge Elementary for a few hours in the afternoon, and asked if I'd work a couple more tomorrow. I did recess duty, and helped with reading classes.  Some of the kids were the same ones I'd worked with before, and they were happy to see me. They told their teacher that they didn't like another substitute they'd had the week before.

Tina came by to visit teach me in the morning.  She asked about if I'd go back to Fred Meyer. She was the third person to ask me that.

Short answer:  I really, seriously doubt that the store management would hire me back.

I found one of the missing papers I need for NeighborImpact.

I need to get more applications out, and I need to work on my family history book and Sister Boyce's book. Those are what I find myself thinking about when all is quiet.

 Today I decide to be wealthy.

50 Sunday is for start-overs

Today I decide to be wealthy.

While cleaning out the sewing room yesterday, I rediscovered a book I'd read over a year ago:  The Job Hunter's Survival Guide, by Dick Bolles.  He puts out an annual job hunting guide, entitled What Color is Your Parachute? which I bought a copy of, and read it, years and years ago. I'll reread it this week. The book is a how-to guide for looking for work in this specific recession where jobs are so scarce and job hunters so plentiful.

Today is Sunday, always a "start over" day, a way to rest and prepare for the next six days.

Shea announced in Fast and Testimony Meeting that she's lost her job.  I almost started crying for her, and I talked to her later.  She's relieved, as the political pressure was so heavy there. When I'd applied last spring, she called to warn me that it was not a healthy place. She seems to be a few years old than I. don't dye my hair, so everyone sees how old I am, but most other people are determined to stay with the color, thank you very much.

On the way home from church, I pointed out the place I'd applied for the housekeeping job, and that I blew it when I admitted to looking for full-time work.  June was with me in the car, and said that she'd be surprised if any jobs were full-time anymore. She told me how she'd talked to a banker some years ago, and he admitted that the jobs were all at 30 hours, so that they wouldn't have to have benefits.  She scolded him, but that's as far as it went.

I got set apart for my calling in the Relief Society, to be a visiting teaching coordinator.  In the blessing I was reminded that the Lord knows my challenges, and that fulfilling my calling would bring spiritual and physical benefits, and there was more. Basically, I'll be made aware of the needs of the sisters in the ward, and reminded that mine are small compared to others.

Decades ago, I had a blessing that told me that I think my sufferings are great, but the Savior's was far greater.   I was reminded of that blessing today.  The one who gave me that one died some time ago, but his spirit still visits me from time to time, sometimes to encourage me, sometime to call me to repentance. I wondered if he was there in the circle.

I had signed up a couple of weeks ago for the missionaries to come for dinner.  My husband was working on a service call, so they couldn't come here. I was very grateful that I had the stuff to make a broccoli and chicken cream soup, which I took over to the West's, where they would be able to pick it up.

Tomorrow I will do more, do better.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

49 Another step

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Finished reading "Children of Cambodia's Killing Fields." I noticed in the biographies that a number have lost their U.S. employment, too, so it's not just me.  It's too bad that, after everything that they've gone through, that it isn't all peaches and cream for them from now on. (Or mangoes and rice milk. My college associates from Asia didn't like cows milk.)

I read another article in the Bulletin newspaper about meditation, and how the subject makes ten minutes a day for it. The article reminded me of the need to just be still and listen when I pray.    Doctrine and Covenants 112:10: "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers. And  Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God" 


So that is what I'll do this week. I'm grateful for the time this week to go through papers and get the mortgage verification papers pulled together, as I had to go through a lot of papers to find it.  

There are only eleven days left of the sixty.  I'll probably keep blogging.


Today I decide to be wealthy.

48 Odds and ends

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I found the January statement, and discovered that there was no statement in February, due to inactivity on the Redicard that month. (I was working full-time, and did not collect unemployment.) So now I'll get the stuff ready to go to NeighborImpact on Monday.

I spent the day looking for it, going through box after box, except for when I went to get my eyes checked and to go shopping, and when I was exercising.

The blood vessels in my eyes show some damage from high blood pressure. No surprise there.

There is an advertisement showing an over-weight dog exercising and loosing its weight, starting with stair exercises, where it would drop a ball down the stairs and go get it and carry it back up, and then do it over again. I have stairs in my house...so when my husband was gone on a job, I cranked up my playlist on the computer, and did the stairs.  Good workout!

Today I decide to be wealthy

47 Paperwork fills the day

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Today I worked on finding and making copies of the documents I need for NeighborImpact's verification for us to be able to stay in the house a bit longer. I went to the library and to the copy shop.  I also went to a gym to find out about fees, and one of the companies I applied to on-line had a job come open here, and I needed to go to the library and use a computer to update/complete the job application.

Right now, I appreciate not having an outside job, as I'm able to work on the verification documents.

I found all but four of them, which are dated the same two months, so I suspect that they're together, in some strata of papers from January and February.

Bedtime now. I'll look tomorrow.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

46 Another blank

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I practiced the piano today. I worked on some paper work for the house, for NeighborImpact and OHSI. I deposited my unemployment checks. I exercised.  I found myself grieving for the future loss of this house. The printer doesn't work anymore, and the other printer is not hooked to this computer. So everything either goes through the other computer or I'll have to go to the library to print stuff out. And the keyboard is acting weak, too.

I'm reading a book,  Children of Cambodia's killing fields : memoirs by survivors / compiled by Dith Pran.  

They lost their homes, their parents, their siblings, their families, their youth. They came to the United States and were serious about their schooling and their futures. Many report still having nightmares.

I found the church's employment handbook. I'll go through it better that I did last time.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 45 Today was a blank

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Today I stayed home and did very little. I found my unemployment checks, discovered that my retirement account at TRG was closed. ($22 check. I only put in money with a couple of paychecks, and got it all back, plus a couple of dollars.) The unemployment checks are going to pay my hospital bill and my eye and dental insurance. The pension check, for tithing.

I worked a little on the book. Still, not a profitable day.

Tomorrow I will work at doing better, doing more.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 44 What is needed

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I had a hard time getting started today.  I just waste so much time.

At 2:00 Linda and I went visiting teaching to a young wife and mother we've been with for a while.  Linda has been with her for a lot longer time.  We got there as she and her husband were having a fight--he'd been drinking, and, worse, was denying it.  I listened to him for a while, and suggested bringing back a pizza when we returned.

We took her to a restaurant, where Linda bought some appetizers and let her talk.  Linda gently reminded her that he was a good man, and that alcoholism is a hard thing, and that she knew he had the problem when they first got together.  She also suggested that she come back to church, and that he go to  the 12-step meetings.  There were some other family needs--a couch needed to be taken to the dump, stuff to Goodwill, and a stray cat to the Humane Society.

We went to the pizza place.  I didn't have any coupons to save a couple of dollars.  I took out my unemployment card, and thought about how all the money in the world is God's, and that I was given money to help others. And I bought the pizza,and we took her back to her apartment.  Her husband was apparently in one of the bedrooms, watching television.  We got the stuff that needed to go to Goodwill, hugged, made arrangements for Saturday, and left.  So lesson #5 was put into action today

On the way home, I bought some sour cream and after I got home, made some cookies for June, who had invited my husband and I over for dinner.  Doug ended up working in Prineville for a while longer, and missed the dinner.

Doug said that Bank of America had sent us a 1099, for $6,000, and that we were going to have to pay taxes on it, of about $2,000, and that if I had agreed to declare bankruptcy back then, we wouldn't even have had to pay taxes.  I thought about how if we'd declared bankruptcy, we probably wouldn't be in the house right now.  He was going to take money out of our 401(k) again, but I suggested that the government does take payments.  I reminded him that we didn't declare bankruptcy as we had no assets to protect.  I remembered later that if we have cancer or something drastic health-wise, we'd be stuck.

Tonight is Antiques Roadshow.  We'll watch it, as it was done in Eugene, Oregon, and see all the stuff that people have and how valuable it is, and daydream what could have been done if we'd had the money instead.

When I read the Book of Mormon last night, I just opened it at random and saw this:


Behold, could ye suppose that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the exceeding goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you? Behold, if ye have supposed this ye have supposed in vain.  (Alma 60:11)


So I felt like a slug after I read it, and thought of it this morning while I waited for the phone to ring with an interview or a job offer.  I felt, though, visiting the young woman, that I was supposed to be there today.

Later in the day, a former coworker at Freddy's, who has been having her own employment misadventures, posted this on Facebook:

“One of the most poisonous of all Satan’s whispers is simply, “Things will never change.” That lie kills expectation, trapping our heart forever in the present. To keep desire alive and flourishing, we must renew our vision for what lies ahead. Things will not always be like this. Jesus has promised to “make all things new.” Eye has not seen, ear has not heard all that God has in store for his lovers, which does not mean “we have no clue so don’t even try to imagine,” but rather, you cannot out-dream God. Desire is kept alive by imagination, the antidote to resignation. We will need imagination, which is to say, we will need hope. 

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 43 Looking out around me

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Our friends went to church with us, and left after Sacrament meeting.  I have a church calling now, to help with visiting teaching as a supervisor.

It was Book of Mormon day in all three meetings.  The part that I want to hold onto the rest of the week is that the Lord will prepare the way for those who keep--or seek--to keep his commandments.

And I appreciate again the reminder that the current unemployment/underemployment is an affliction going on in the world, and not a character flaw on my part.  Though I have a lot of characters flaws and thought on them today.

Pam had an interesting story during Sunday School class, about the little things that we sometimes have to encourage us.  She was a single mom, divorced, with two teenagers she was raising, and barely making it financially.  She got engaged to Jim, divorced man in the church, with his kids, retired businessman.  And she found a picture of some lace in a bridal magazine that she would have liked for her wedding dress, but knew that she'd never be able to find it out on this side of the continent, and that she'd never be able to afford it.  She found it in a store that she rarely shops, and some celebrity had ordered a surplus for her outfit, paid for it, and the remainder was on sale, so Pam had it for her wedding dress.  

I had a similar thing happen, when I went to University of Oregon.  While I was in high school, we had "The Apollo of Bellac" in one of my English classes, and I liked the play and I wished I could be in it, playing Theresa.  I was in the cafeteria line at college, and saw the open audition flyer.  I thoroughly enjoyed auditioning for the role, nailed it, got complimented by my co-auditioner, but didn't get the part.  I did perform in it, and enjoyed it very much.

Our neighbors had us over for meatloaf tonight.  It was a very nice dinner, cozy and comfortable.  I tried to stay focused in the present, as the cars went by on the night street in the rainy dark.  I didn't want to think about us having to move away.

I watched and read a talk the author J.K.Rowlings gave, about her time of poverty, and what she learned from it. I need to reread it, as I felt that I only touched the very outer part, and have yet to incorporate any part of it in my being.   http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/06/the-fringe-benefits-failure-the-importance-imagination

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 43 Not skiing

Today I decide to be wealthy.

There was a night ski special today, and I went to it, but I stayed in the lodge and read a book while friends and my husband skied.  I don't have any insurance to cover me if I fell and broke my leg, and I'm not that experienced on skis.  (Last time I went, I had trouble getting off the chair lift, and it had to be stopped almost every time.)

So I read a novel about a girl who was a refugee from Viet Nam who moved to Alabama.  The scene outside the windows was very lovely, and skiers commented on how icy the snow was.


We have friends staying the night.  Being able to have friends stay comfortable in your home is a very  nice.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 41 Tonight I went to an event

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I didn't get much sleep last night.  I snore, and that keeps my husband awake who then keeps me awake, and finally I went down and tried to sleep on the futon couch, and had a cat keeping me awake.  I tried putting it outside, but the other one came in, so I was exchanging one for the other.

I went to the school and shelved books for a short while, and got a few groceries, cleaned up the kitchen a bit--we're expecting company tomorrow afternoon. My husband had work today.

I paid $100 on the hospital bill, on-line, using my unemployment card. I didn't get a confirmation number, but then, it didn't come off the card, either. The morgage company sent a letter, saying that they hadn't received last month's payment.  That's still being covered by OSHI, as far as I know.  We've been turning in the paperwork.

The library had it's "Novel" event tonight, and I went to it.  Wealthy people go to events all the time, especially cultural ones, where there's food and drink.  The were little tiny slider sandwiches, chopped up fruit, some cheese (I took a chunk of brie), and stuffed mushrooms.  While I sitting on a chair, eating, one of the library staff came by.  She'd been on the interview committee the one and only time I'd been interviewed for a library job, and it was she who met with me afterwards at my request and informed me that I didn't come across as a "go-getter." 

I complimented her on the party, and she complimented me on the color of tee-shirt I was wearing.  I told her that she always looks stunning and the conversation went into flattery.  So now she'll probably pitch my application.

Everybody in Bend dresses out of their closet, which is to say that I wasn't dressed any worse than anyone else, except people who have my type of skin on their necks and the same amount of flab on my arms cover them up.  People wore blue jeans of different vintages, all worn, and very few women wore nice dresses.  One young woman wore a dressy outfit of different shades of silver and grey, including a scarf shawl that had shining silver threads running through it, and carried a silver pocketbook.  A child, probably about nine years old, wore a purple fedora and carried a classical Madi Gras clown mask, which he held in his hands and would hold up to his face as if to hide behind it.  (I guess he was a boy.)

I met a couple of people there, one I stood in line with,  Toni, who is involved with the Quiltworks, and a couple whose names I've seen around town--Blankenship.  They were now retired, and he wanted to sit while his wife went to the front to see what the book would be.  Afterwards, I met a woman who lives in my neighborhood and is also in the neighborhood association.

The book?  Rules of Civility.  The follow-up events will start in April, which gives most people time to read a copy before then.

It was very nice, to be in the library, in the evening, surrounded by so many people and so much cheerful energy.  It was very nice to return home, too.  My husband is still at work, and I still have more to do to get ready for tomorrow.

Today I decide to be wealthy.




Book of Mormon lesson:  Last night.  I was reading about the wars, the sons of Helaman, and thought about how to get out of my financial mess.  There was one group of soldiers who had gone off to 7escort prisoners, who returned in the nick of time to help turn the tide of a battle.  Alma 57:17.  Things didn't happen the way that they'd planned, but things turned out fine.  I hope that things will turn out fine for me too.

Day 40 Library application deadline was at 2 p.m.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I got the application in to the library for Materials Services Specialist, which is a fancy name for book shelver.  The job description included being able to twist, bend, reach up and lift up to 30 pounds and manipulate a two tier library cart.  I have been applying to the library for jobs ever since I was fired from Fred Meyer. It seems that there is a job opening every eight months or so.  I've had one interview, and the rest of the time, my applications result in a post card that says that the position has been filled.  This one, though, because of my more recent work experience, which involved twisting, bending, reaching up and lifting heavy materials, seemed made to order for me.

I didn't realize that the position would involve Sunday work, working during Sacrament meeting.

If I get the Touchmark job, I'll have worship time on Sunday, as they'd adjust the schedule, so they said, and if I work at Touchmark, there would be a wider variety of stuff to do, including sewing, shoveling sidewalks, etc.  I'd also be paid less.

Actually, all this is speculation, as I don't have an interview with the library (yet), and Touchmark hasn't called me back with a job offer.  And what if Touchmark offers me a job, and I take it, and the library calls me for an interview and there's a time conflict?   And what if Park and Rec calls with a job? (Preferably not the midnight to 6:30 a.m. one.)

Can I make things any more stressful in my imagination?  Will reality be as I imagine it, or worse?

Back to the library application.  I've had two weeks--two weeks--to work on it, and I was doing the resume and cover letter and application starting on the day before yesterday, and did the essays today.  My middle daughter called to say hi, and asked how I was doing, and I almost started crying because I was stressed out about the essays.  There are five questions about my experiences with customer service that have to be answered.  "Describe your experience, education and/or training in customer service."  "Give an example of an excellent customer service experience and one that was ineffective.  Explain why one was excellent and the other ineffective."  "Give examples that demonstrate your ability to work independently with minimal supervision." And there were two more.  She and the ward employment specialist helped me as I sent them copies on-line of what I was writing, and they proof-read and sent them back.  It took four hours to do the essays, not counting getting up at 2 a.m. to jot down some notes.  Why do I do this to myself, to wait so long?  I could have been doing them on Facebook with the girls and friends last week.

And then the printer started printing purple ribbons and streaks on the papers.  I had my two pages of essays, I needed one copy of each page for the application, and I prayed and got one copy each for each page, streak and ribbon free.

The application had a cover letter, resume, the application itself, and additional page of work experience, a signed approval for criminal background check (all which I had ready last night) and the two pages of essays.

I got the whole thing to the library office ten minutes before dead line. The receptionist went through the papers, saw what was there, said it was complete, and thanked me for bringing it in.

And then I wept with relief and gratitude on my drive home.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 39 Is everyone else in the same boat as I?

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I saw a legal notice in the back of The Source newspaper.  It was to announce the sale of a foreclosure, and I recognized the name.  His brother had married the sister of one of my husband's friends, and this man got us one of our mortgages, back some 15 or so years ago, when everyone was refinancing as the rates were bouncing around, and we got them when they were low.  Soon after the recession hit, I saw his name in a bankruptcy notice, and now he would be losing his house at auction on the courthouse steps.

Last night, I learned that a family I knew, who I thought had done everything right, were losing their house to foreclosure.  They live up in Seattle, and had kept the house here when he transferred, and they planned on selling it "when the market turns around and the prices go back up."  The family that's been renting it is looking for another place to move to. They can stay in it until it goes up for auction in a few months.

I went to store today, and saw some people I knew from when the girls were young.  The wife still has her job, but he's in the same boat as my husband.

Is it my imagination, or do most people in this town  have a tired, scared look in their eyes?

One of my former supervisors is still there at the store, supervising.  I remember when she was trying to get work at a bank, anything to get out of there.  She's still there, probably a few more years, 5 or 8, and she'll be able to retire.

I've been working on my library job application, which I should have had done last week.  Deadline is tomorrow.  I still have 5 essay questions to answer, although the cover letter, resume, application and background check papers are all done.

I'm concerned that I'll get a job call to substitute in the schools tomorrow.  This has to get in, if I'm to have any chance at working in the library.

I did walk a mile today, and did my yoga (which I think of as physical therapy).  My former supervisor called, to see if I'd be able to work graveyard at the Senior Center.  I said "yes," but I've been doing some more thinking about it, and I don't think it would work for me, getting there at 12:30 a.m. and then getting done at 6:30 a.m. in an empty building that's next to acres of empty woodland.   There'll  probably be something that opens before then. I hope.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 38 Lost diamond and Job interview

Today I decide to be wealthy.

The diamond in my wedding ring is gone, apparently fallen out when a bracket broke.  I knew it need repairs years ago, and I was working in a store where there was a jewelry repair artist, too.  Just didn't do it--the ring was stuck on my finger, so I just didn't make the time to get it off and get it fixed.  So tomorrow I'm going to sift through garbage to look for it, as my husband and I were up until 1 a.m. sweeping, vacuuming and peering around for it.  My husband even took off the traps of the kitchen and bathroom sinks and checked the pipes, cleaning them with old toothbrushes. 

It isn't a child, or a pet or anything. It was a very flawed .58 carat diamond that was very fiery. And now it's like looking for a child's lost--every little sparkle on the floor must be checked, the laundry carefully fingered before washing, the garbage carefully sifted.  And the empty ring is still on my finger, the prongs catching on everything, the skeleton left behind.



I had my interview with Touchmark for housekeeping.  The seamstress retired last month--alterations brought in $600 in that month.  They said that they couldn't find my application, so I sat down to try to fill one from memory, and then they found it.  Angie (from Fred Meyer) is working there, and told them to hire me, that I'm good.  And it does have benefits, and they said that if I'm hired, I would be able to go to Sacrament Meetings on Sunday.

I need to finish the library application and get it in tomorrow.  Deadline is the day after tomorrow.

I'm eating too much crap again, and not exercising, period.

I visited Connie afterwards, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and then I went over to another place and visited Alan and Peggy for a brief time.  Alan has been ill for a long time, but they both seemed to be happy for the company.

So now I'm off to bed. I have a dental appointment in the afternoon.

Today I decide to be wealthy.
___________________________
From craigslist:

Touchmark at Mount Bachelor Village is now accepting applications for a 30 to 34 hour per week position in Housekeeping. Our housekeeping department goal is to maintain a clean environment and provide quality service for our residents. Responsibilities include cleaning resident homes and common areas on a multi building campus. A typical day includes vacuuming, dusting, cleaning and restocking bathrooms, sweeping, making beds, laundry and other duties as assigned. Sewing and alteration experience is a plus. Requirements for the position are a high school diploma or equivalent, a valid Oregon driver's license and preferably 2 years housekeeping experience. Applicants must be detail oriented, have a positive attitude and work well with a team. A desire to work with seniors is essential. Touchmark provides a beautiful work environment and medical, dental, 401K and paid time off benefits upon eligibility. To apply for this position email resume or apply in person at 19800 SW Touchmark Way. To learn more about Touchmark visit our website at touchmarkbend.com
I

Day 37 The collector calls

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I got up at 5:30, and called the unemployment office at 8 and got straightened out about my latest unemployment challenge, that my account was still invalid and I had to call to restart it.  Turns out reporting my $45 was the problem, and that they'd have to send a letter to Brenda about my work doing inventory that one time.

"It's in case if you did such a good job, that she'll rehire you,"  the phone tech said.

"With all this fuss and baggage, I'd wonder if she'd ever talk to me again, let alone hire me," I replied.

Today Touchmark called, and set up an interview with me tomorrow.  I'm to be there at 2 p.m. to do some computer stuff, and then the interview at 2:30.

And then the collector called.  When I had my gall bladder out, my insurance company paid the hospital a relatively small amount.  The hospital wanted to keep me over night, as I may have sleep apnea, and had been anesthesia for my surgery.  Basically, they wanted to make sure I'd wake up in the morning.

So far I've paid off the radiogolist and the EKG scans, but I'm still paying the surgeon and the Central Oregon Physicians, who were the emergency room staff, and the anesthesiologist ten dollars a month, each.  I had called the hospital, talked to someone about paying the same, and she said it would be fine. And then in November, I understand now that I was supposed to call back and make some sort of agreement on paper about how much I would pay, and that it wouldn't have been less than $500 a month.  Right.  I was paying $444 a month for health insurance, which I'm not paying now, as we didn't/don't have the money.  So $500 wasn't an option in November, and still isn't now.

So anyway, it got turned over to a collection agency, which has slapped on it 9% interest, and wants  $100 a month for the next three months for starters.

I told her that I'd been sending the hospital $10 a month, as that's what the accounts person said I could, and that after it got to collections, that things weren't the way I understood them to do be.  "I used to work in a call center:  I know that if I give you the wrong information, like to stick your iPhone in water, that you'd be out an iPhone and nothing happen to me," I said.  So I'm stuck, I told myself silently. She didn't say anything about that.

I told her I don't have it, and I don't have a kidney to sell them.  She told me she's glad I still have my sense of humor.  She wasn't laughing when I told her that I'm 55 years old, on unemployment, and haven't had a permanent job, but I've had some temporary ones.  She asked about my husband, and I said that he was self-employed, in the same boat, and that we were going to losing our house.  I told her that the bankruptcy lawyer, whom we paid for advice, said that we didn't have any assets to protect, so filing bankruptcy wasn't and option.  She told me to talk with my husband and call back by the end of the month.

So I have done some work clearing out my computer space.  I lost my wallet for an hour and found it, and I still haven't rediscovered the box of file folders I need to file all these papers.

Today I decide to be wealthy.


"Out of clutter find simplicity.  From discord, find harmony.  In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."   Albert Einstein

Day 36. The Greatest Saleman in the World

Today I decide to be wealthy.

After yesterday's rant, I feel better.  I went to Sacrament Meeting, and enjoyed being there, knowing that if I have another job that requires week-end work, that it will be a while before I'd be able to be there again. I love being in Sacrament Meeting, and being able to take the Sacrament, and to sit with my husband, and know that my children are also at Sacrament Meeting, wherever they are.  I like feeling the fellowship around me, and to know that I'm part of something that goes back to other times, and other places, including sitting with my grandmother in her ward's meetings, and how happy she was that I was with her, and how proud she was of me.

In Relief Society, I went ahead and signed up for cookie donations for the blood drive and to have the missionaries over for dinner on February's Fast Sunday.  I'll make something ahead, like macaroni and cheese, and have some broccoli to go with it.  Linda Rau and I decided to go visiting teaching tomorrow. I paid tithing.  And I just stayed in the moment.  I didn't worry, but I did pray that I'll be able to pay off my medical bills.  I didn't feel stressed or panicky when I prayed it.

I saw Wendy after church, and thanked her for her Sacrament talk last year, and how I tried what she suggested, and the good results I got from following her direction.  She was happy for me, and glad that it helped me.

We had pot roast for dinner.  It was from the Bishop's Storehouse, in December or November.  I'm glad to have food in the house, and to have a house to eat and sleep in.  I feel wealthy.

Later tonight, my middle daughter called and told me about her not-so-great time at school.  She's a senior in a ward full of freshmen, and everyone is a bit disorganized, so she hasn't been able to work with a committee.  She has a rather negative attitude about the people around her, that everyone is "dumb."  Unfortunately, she's had the attitude for a long time.

I'm reminded of a book I read when I was a bit older that she is now.  It was "The World's Greatest Salesman," by  Og Mandino.  There was one part that sort of stuck with me, probably about the only one I used, and that was to think, "I love you," to people when I met them.  Don't say it, just think it.
I've got to figure a way to suggest it to her, so she'll want to try it.

I'm going to send her cards, too, while she's there, to encourage her.  I've talked to her about seeing a counselor, but she's heard other counselors gossip about the people they're supposed to be helping, so she's not going to, as she doesn't want that to happen to her.

I haven't worked on my books today, or on my computer area.  There is still time in this day to do something good.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 35, re. "The 5 Lessons...for Women" book

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I finished "The 5 Lessons a Millionaire Taught Me for Women," a few days ago.  In fact, I read it for the first time a year ago.  It's time to return it to the library.  But first, a book review.

The five mistakes women frequently make when it comes to money, include:
Unenlightened beliefs about money
Undervaluing their assets
"Burnt toast syndrome"
Investment paralysis
Over trusting

Guilty, guilty, whoa, guilty, guilty.

Whoa on the burnt toast syndrome(page 107)  Hey, I take the burnt toast because 1) I can eat it easily, as my spouse thinks he's going to get cancer from it, and the girls don't want the mess.  Furthermore, the girls are the ones who are going to be picking out (and unfortunately, probably paying for) my nursing home.

I did, however, have them do their own laundry, starting with the second grade, something which they didn't think was a good idea until sometime after they were in college.  But financially, there isn't any money for them to sponge off of me.  And they know it.

As for the unenlightened beliefs about money, I wasn't taught much about money, except that it's one of the things my parents fought over, and I'd be upstairs, listening to them argue and wonder what life would be like in an orphanage. Sometime afterwards, my parents were able to put 20% down on one of the largest houses in Lakeview, complete with three acres and it's own well, and get it paid off in 10 years.  All I knew was, "can't afford it, can't afford it, can't afford it," and never how it could be afforded.  I had my own part-time jobs later, but saving the money didn't work.  I saved up for college, and all I had at the end of my junior year was less than $85, and that bank account was started when I was in grade school.  I bought own clothes at times, although my mom would buy my fabric if I sewed my own.  That was back when it was cheaper to sew.  When I was in college, I worked summers for my room and board, as I had a tuition plus scholarship, thanks to a long dead philanthropist.  Basically, there was no belief about money, except I was powerless.

As for the "I'm not worthy" point, I don't think he got it, about how so many times the boys got an allowance, and girls didn't.  That's how it was at my cousins' house.  (I have one brother, who is way younger than I, and he didn't get an allowance at the time either.)  I sure didn't any allowance, and I didn't earn any money, other than the once-in-a-blue-moon baby-sitting job at a neighbors, where I had to immediately put the money into the savings account at the bank. I didn't get any money from my parents if I wasn't worthy, like if I'd fought with my sister earlier in the day, or whatever other reason my parents found.  I didn't get any money if my room was clean, because it's supposed to be clean, and if I asked for money, the answer would be something like, "you don't need to get that,"  but if I asked for some money to get something, and my room wasn't clean, then that was a reason not to give me any money. There was always a reason not to give out any money, but no reason to give any, and worse, no way for me to earn it.

One item I despised in the book was the marshmallow experiment (page 88), where a four year old had a marshmallow put in front of the kid, and the experimenter told the kid that if he/she didn't eat the marshmallow, and it was still there when the experimenter came back, then there would be two marshmallows.  So some of the kids didn't eat the marshmallows, and they grew up to be smarter, richer and Mary Sue and Gary Stus, because they could delay gratification.  Hey, guess what, Sherlock:  Some kids ate the marshmallows because they were already taught that adults lie.  I know that was true in my family.  Eat the marshmallow if you want to, but you're going to get a smack on your head.  And even if you left it alone, there's not going to be a second one.  Better not to want the marshmallow at all, so you don't get a smack if you take it, and you don't get disappointed when there isn't the second one.

As for undervaluing my abilities--I would have ideas and time and time again they would get shot down.  When I was a kid, I'd think of a song, and go to the piano to try to write it out, and get chewed out for "making noise." It seemed that time and time again, "it's stupid," "a waste of time," etc.  How do people get past that, and do something? Yes, writing fan fiction didn't make me any money, and it probably caused more problems than it solved, but I enjoyed it, and when I did it, I got more ideas for other things, and now I quit and made some people satisfied that I quit, but now I don't have any ideas at all.  Like when I gave up trying to write music--I used to create symphonies in my head, and now I just want something from youtube to go into it.

Investment paralysis.  I've blown it there so bad, being afraid of making a mistake, of having someone, anyone, mad at me.  I should have pulled my daughter's account when I felt that the stock exchange guy didn't respect me, and put the whole thing into CDs on my own.  I shouldn't have worried about what my cousin would think when she handed the whole thing over to me.  I spent too much time worried about what others would think if I stood up and made some noise.  But then, I'm three years old again, having done something that a three year old would do in a grocery store, and my parents are telling me, "You see them?  They're looking at you.  They're laughing at you," as they point to the meat cutters who are standing behind the counter, watching people walk by, laughing at who knows what joke.

There isn't any job right now, and there isn't anything to invest.  We're living off of the money my mother-in-law gave us, and we've got medical bills up the wazoo.   I went to college.  Got two bachelor degrees. But now, except for shipping my own kids off to college, I'm wondering what good it's going me now, in providing for my life now and in my future.  I'm stuck at the Brad Lemley adage (paraphrased):  "An education is directly proportional to the enjoyment one has in watching the sunrise."  (It was the moral to a story Brad wrote of all these college graduates--bachelors, masters, doctorates, who, after college, couldn't find any work other than the backbreaking work of tree planting, and how they still had great attitudes as they discussed the sun rising over their labors.  Decades since he wrote the story, tree planting is no longer available to Oregon citizens:  the companies claimed that there weren't any people qualified to do it, and so imported laborers from other countries, using government funding to do so.)

I would like to be in the position of the paragraph on page 13:  In order to be truly happy, we must live balanced lives.  To be in great fiscal health is very much like being in great physical health: it allows you to do more and be more, and it permits you to live your life free of constant pain and bondage.

I'm tired.  It's draining going back into the past, and hearing and seeing stuff all over again.  I hope my kids do way better than I have.  I'm glad they've turned out good.

I'm going to bed.  Tomorrow is Sunday.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 34

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I assembled my papers last night, did the math, and in the morning, called the unemployment office.  It looks like I will be getting some unemployment benefits after all, as two of my previous employers have yet to report the October, November and December reports. 

My middle daughter challenged me to a writing contest, which I went ahead and entered.  Both of us are in it now, and we'll see if the entries were accepted on Monday.

Maybe I'm to be getting my writing going?  I'll contact Celia and see how her free-lancing worked out.

I didn't do much else today, except look at job postings, and practice the keyboard (piano), and exercised. 

Today is January 20.  The twentieth is always an important date on the calendar for me, as my birthday is August 20, one of my former roommates is April 20, other friends were February 20 and May 20, and an ancestor was July 20 (she was born 100 years before I was).  I need to get my ancestor and her family's stories out of my head and into books that my family can read and keep.  Maybe that's why I'm unemployed, so I can get the work done.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 33

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I got my letter from the unemployment office, and found out that they don't have an account of the two months I worked at Parks and Rec, so I have to call them in the morning.  I found my pay stubs, so that's very, very good.

I went through job listings on the internet.  Did laundry. Made a dinner for two and took it to a couple; the husband is getting chemo or something for his cancer on Thursdays, so they need dinners that night.  I made a baked mozzarella ratatouille, a couple of Italian seasoned baked chicken breasts, and some garlic bread, and added a couple of pears, a bag of chocolates and some celery sticks to round it out.

I'm going to bed early tonight.  I got to bed after midnight last night, woke up at 6, and kept falling back asleep into short dreams, that all had dead-end themes to them:  A road I'm on is closed because of a rock slide.  I can't find my hotel room, and then the hotel staff tells me that they can't find any record of my being there. Fun stuff like that.  And then I didn't get out of bed until late in the morning, as I couldn't find my thoughts.

I did do my yoga in the afternoon, and felt much better for having done it, and could feel the energy while I was shopping at the store for dinner stuff.  I've also noticed that my leg and heel pains no longer happen at night.

I need to get up early for the unemployment office phone call.  At night, I have such great plans for the mornings, such as work on sewing room, clean the house. get out ten job applications, walk a mile, exercise, write thank you letters, create art.  And then my head is full of cotton where my brains should be when I wake up.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 32

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I woke up at 5 a.m., and thought about how I used to get up at that time to help my daughters get ready for seminary, and sometimes I drove them to the church for their classes, and stayed and drove them to high school.  I thought, too, that if I had a job, I'd probably be getting up at 5.  I wondered how many times I had to be to work at Fred Meyer, to open the store in the morning.  I used to get phone calls, to ask me to substitute at a school; I laid awake for a bit, listening for a call, but none came.  After a bit, I went back to sleep. 

I know that I need nine hours of sleep, so for me to get up in the early morning with any brains, I need to be in bed by about nine o'clock.

As much as I'm tired of living hand to mouth, I don't miss going to work in the cold, the dark and the snow.

So the storm went on.  I didn't work on finding a job today.  I helped clear snow from the driveway, and then went into town with my husband to run some errands, and then fixed dinner for a neighbor, whose wife died almost two years ago, and whose daughter died in October.  I had thought about having him and his wife over for dinner when she was alive, and then him and his daughter while she was alive, and now--finally!--I followed through on my good intentions.  He may be moving this summer.  He will most likely be losing his house, and will have to live with relatives in California.  I remember when his wife bought the property next door, intending for one of their children to build a house on it, and how they got the property their house is on through an inheritance from her grandmother, and when the house was built.  The house stores stuff that his mother-in-law left when she died, when his sister-in-law died, when his wife died, and when his daughter was killed.

"I've got to get my life down into a shoe box," he said.

After he left, I went over the messages my daughters sent me on Facebook.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 31

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Last night there was an interview on PBS with Suze Orman, who was asked her thoughts on getting out of poverty, as she was raised in a poverty-stricken area.  She said that when she was younger, there were roads in and out of poverty, but now there is a wide highway into poverty, but not even a sidewalk out of it, due to lack of jobs.

It didn't help that she described how most people get into poverty, that my husband and I took every step she described.

On a nicer note, one of my daughter's former classmates posted on Facebook that she and her husband have figured out a game plan on how to get out of debt in three years.



I didn't do a very good job with today.  I gave into my depression.  It snowed and was windy outside, and inside, I was terrified when I looked at my bank account, my unemployment account, and didn't do a thing but feel sorry for myself.  Well, I did some dusting and laundry, but that was about it.

I hope I do better tomorrow.  I plan to do better tomorrow.  Starting with getting to bed an hour earlier than I did last night.


Tomorrow I've got to do better.

Today I decide to be wealthy.

Day 30

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I found out that the hospital has given my account to a collection agency.  I was paying $10 a month, as I'd talked to someone on the phone and she said that would be fine, so I kept doing it, and--surprise--I was to have done paperwork, and the least amount that would have been accepted per month would have been $500 a month, for two years, according to today's someone, named Doris.  Which is more than what I quit paying for health insurance because I couldn't afford it.

I went to check on my unemployment claim and found this:

How much time and money do I have left in my claim?
Your weekly benefit amount is:	$		Program: Non-valid claim
Your remaining balance is:	$
Your claim is currently non-valid. If you are waiting for the addition of Federal or out of state wages, continue filing weekly claims if you are still unemployed. Well, I don't have any Federal or out of state wages.  So I guess I'm cut out of the program.  My heart froze when I saw that.  Fortunately, my mother-in-law called out of the blue a few days ago and told us that she'd be sending us some money, the amount would be enough to see us through the month and into next.   I'll keep posting my claim, though.  Maybe something will change for my benefit. One of my friends called later, and I told her about it, and that I thought about her, and Pam, and Lauren, how things worked out for them, and their circumstances got better, and she assured me that mine would too. I got a call today from Touchmark, a pre-interview, and next week they'll call and set up a face-to-face.  I put in an application at another retirement center, the one I went to Saturday, and they wanted the application filled out on the premises.  I sent a message to the guy who is setting up a new thrift store.  So I met my goal of three job contacts today. And I'll just keep applying around.  The library job, and Goodwill, and whatever else, and just keep in the front of my brain that all this is for my good and shall give me experience.  Doctrine and Covenants 122:7.  Because of the money my mother-in-law is sending, I have a bit of a breather while I look.  And, of course, my attitude, to help my belief that I'll get a job, and the courage to keep applying. Today I decide to be wealthy. I'm halfway through the 60 days.

Day 29

Today I decide to be wealthy.

I had an emotionally sad day, feeling sorry for myself and others.  I had tears during Sacrament Meeting, remembering people who had helped me years ago, who were now dead, and whose spirits I feel from time to time.  I thought too, of how in so many ways, I haven't changed since I was a child, that I still haven't learned my lessons, changed my ways, become more responsible for myself.

The bishop gave a talk about the Book of Mormon, and reminded us that there are answers to whatever challenges we have in our lives.  I thought of the people of Limhi and the people of Alma, how the first group studied night and day how to get out of their slavery (like serfs) and how they finally found a weak spot where some of the guards were stationed, and how they make them drunk and fled while the guards slept.  The people of Alma were too busy being slaves (being treated like beasts of burden), and their conversations were monitored, as they were punished if they were found praying, and the Lord freed them by causing their guards to fall asleep, and so they fled.  Bread or manna, which is it from day to day?

And then there's this:   And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.  Alma 38:5

I think that trials are what attack you, troubles are in your mind (worries, cares, fears, etc.), and afflictions are in your body (physical illnesses, disabilities).

My goal this week is to get out an application or a resume each day.  And to get into a Red Cross class. And pay the current crop of bills and record them on that housing verification sheet. And to get my cousin's address or phone number, while she's still here on the planet.  (Her kidneys have given out, and she's on dialysis.)  And I signed up to take a meal to a couple on Thursday--the husband has been having cancer treatments on Thursdays.  And to spend more time doing and less time whining.

Today I decide to be wealthy.